Well, it's Eid...

It has been a very long time since I updated my last entry. Somehow, this time I feel like I have to say something. This is my third Eid thousands of miles away from home... away from people with familiar faces. Some of my beloved friends managed to go home once in a while, if not every year. I envy their financial stability. 

One thing that really struck me during the first of day of Eid was how much I missed my family, particularly my mother and my late brother. I didn't care so much about my father because I am certain he doesn't even care about the fact that I am still alive. I have been thinking about how hard it must be for my mother to not be able to celebrate this glorious day with me - I hope that she has come to terms with the fact that my brother passed over eight years ago. 

My mother brought it up to my attention that I should text my father to wish him happy Eid. Instead of doing what she wanted me to do, I wept uncontrollably. It's a big lie to say that I don't miss my father at all. But the fact that after almost four years since I left home for the US and he still never asked my whereabouts somehow bothered me. Like I was not important in his life or something. Deep down, maybe... maybe he loves me. But, how would I know if he doesn't express it or demonstrate it to me. It hurts my feelings a little not knowing whether he cares about my well-being or not. Every time my mother asked my father for financial help on my behalf, my father always acted so defensively. He blamed my mother for allowing me to pursue my degree abroad instead of locally. 

The thing that I never understand about my father is the fact that he does not seem to be proud of my achievements. I, his son, managed to study in a foreign country with a full scholarship from the Malaysian government. Not only that, after I graduated from my undergraduate institution, I received a full scholarship/assistantship from Indiana University-Purdue University, Indianapolis, to continue my education in a Ph.D program. Not a lot of people, let alone Malaysians who would receive this kind of opportunity. Till this day, I am still waiting for a congratulation from my father. 

All throughout my life, I long for the love and approval of a fatherly figure. My father left when I barely turned 6 and a half years old. He came to visit occasionally, but there was no warmth in his presence. Sometimes I wonder, am I his biological son, his own flesh and blood? If so, why does I resent his presence or the thought of contacting him? Ever since I was in elementary school, I worked really hard to be on top of my game. I thought to myself that if I worked really hard and managed to bring back recognitions, my father would start to love me again. Unfortunately, I was wrong, big time. He never showed any signs of compassion or care about what I do. Not even curious about my life. To him, I am not important, at least actions speak louder than words. Why can't my father be like any other fathers in the world? I don't ask for a lot, just simply show me that I, too, matter in his life. 

Some people get really antsy about me resenting and showing my disapproval of my father's behaviors. But, if you walk the same path I have gone through, you too, would understand my point of view. My devotion and reverence for my father has long been gone, unfortunately. I just cannot drag myself anymore. My father doesn't even notice what I've done to prove myself to him. 

People ask me sometimes about the prospect of me being a father, to which I responded, no. I just could not picture myself doing it. My father did not know better when he brought me to this world that the responsibility of a father does not end with procreation. And that probably was the reason why he was such a ruthless, reckless, and hopeless father to begin with. If only he knew that a father's responsibilities include showing love to the children, attending to their needs, and supporting the children's endeavors, he would not dare to think about having more children. With all this anger I have, I digress. I know that I cannot be a good father to my children, and therefore I am avoiding the role all together. I am not willing to see my children's wellness being compromised from the lack of fatherly figure in their lives. 

If my father managed to ruin the life of my brother and me, I am choosing to release myself and my prospective children from that burden. I know that I would not be happy while allowing my children to suffer. 

To my father, thank you! Thank you for not being there when I needed you the most. Thank you for not comforting or touching me as I was growing up. Thank you for showing up but never was present in everything I do. For all of this, I grew up to be a strong lad, physically and mentally and psychologically. I am in the work of progress to show to people that although I grew up without a responsible father, I still manage to bounce back and thrive. You, my beloved father, can just walk out the door and constantly being irrelevant. I suppose that is what you do best anyway!

I hope everyone who is reading this entry enjoys your time with your family and friends. Enjoy each other's presence, because you never know what the future brings.

XOXO,

Fazuan

Goodbye Summer, it's Good Seeing You

*** It is going to be a slightly long post ***

Before spring session ended, I convinced myself that I will not be taking any summer class. After all this while, my body deserved to have a three-month vacation -- most of the time, trying to detox from the long, daunting, and exhausting year. I also listed a few small and big projects that I would like to accomplish or at least started doing. Here are some insights that I have gained throughout this summer:

1. As hard as it may sound, make a conscious effort to define yourself by what you believe in, not by what people think you should do. Last year, I put on weight.. like a lot. People made snarky remarks on how fatter I got, even in just a few months. I came into summer with 189lbs on the scale and I'm on 174lbs at this moment. Not a whole lot, but for people who love eating like myself, it is something. When people started calling me names, it made me stronger. It fuels my passion to losing weight. But, I want to be healthier, fitter, and lighter not because I owed anyone a payback, but because I want to lead a disease free lifestyle.

2. Sleep and wake up early. These past few weeks, I have adopted a 5:30-morning rituals. I wake up, drink a glass of orange juice, meditate for 10-15 minutes, workout for 50-60 minutes, do some self-affirmation exercises, shower, breakfast, and work. For the first 90 minutes of my day, I would focus on the single most important task for the day. Social media and emails are not being opened until 12pm. This was a recommendation made by a best-selling author, Robin Sharma. You all should check out his youtube video in which I have linked the website https://www.youtube.com/user/sharmaleadership.

3. When in doubt, start journaling. Put down your thoughts and ideas on paper so that you would not forget them. I also write whenever there is something that is hard to process, like when I received a couple of rejection letters or when my uncle was admitted to the hospital due to stroke. There are a lot of research out there that provide support to journaling as part of a therapeutic exercise.

4. Self-experimentation is part of your learning process. People asked me sometimes, how can anyone be successful? After I gave them some ideas, I always encouraged them to be vulnerable and be exploratory. Find your own X-factor and things that are working for you. For instance, separating a meal on the table before I even started eating would help me from overeating (portion control). Moreover, pushing myself five minutes more than usual while running helps me get through a longer trail. But again, what might work for me might not work for you. Start searching!

5. When you are stressed out about something, start communing with nature. When was the last time you walked in the woods or on the beach? Every time I felt a little uneasy, I go for a long walk in nature. While walking, I will ponder on the beauty of the nature and how grateful I am to have them around. Not only that, sometimes, I also purposefully force myself to think about things that I am grateful for (eg. my health, my family, my friends, my relationships, my intellectual abilities, the sunrise and sunset).

*** Things I have done for this summer ***

1) Converted my entire college notes (since the first semester at Indiana University Bloomington) into PDF files. Now, all of those files can be accessed through my iBooks app on all my Apple products.

2) Created a study corner that helps form "tight bubble of total focus" (Robin Sharma). I have a desk and a stool, a cork board, and a minimal decorations. This is where I study, work, getting inspiration, and being creative.

3) Reconnected with long lost friends, instructors, supervisors, and family members. If they were in town, I scheduled a coffee date or a regular meeting with them so that we all could catch up. I could not be happier learning about what was new for them and it made me smile when I heard about their successes. Just remember, as we grow older, money is not going to be as important anymore. Longevity is supported through beautifully crafted, mindfully maintained relationships. 

4) Cleaned, recycled, and donated unused clothes. I have decided that clothes that were not being regularly worn for a couple of months should go away. This in itself helped with decluttering my entire apartment. Surprisingly, I still have a full closet after the elimination was made (that was just weird).

5) Started monitoring money flow on a monthly basis. I was never a great person when it comes to money. However, keeping a close attention to where my money goes definitely helps.

6) Cleaned and reorganized my apartment, especially the kitchen area. This was a strenuous task, but I am glad that it worked out fine at the end. Having a clean and organized place promote higher productivity because we are in control of where things are. 

7) Studied and learned for the upcoming GRE test. I am so nervous about retaking it again this year, but I intend to get a better score. 

8) Practiced my handwriting and tried to improve. I realized after a few weeks of not writing, my strokes on certain letters were not as good as they used to be. So, I invested on office supplies and started writing again. Somehow, it is still not perfect, but I am happy to make progress. 

9) Wrote different versions of resume and cover letter. I applied for a lot of things: awards, scholarships, jobs, tutoring positions, and lab works. Most of them did not turn out the way I had planned, but that was alright. The more I did it, the better I have become at writing application materials. [Good] practice makes perfect!

10) 90-90-1 rule (thanks to Robin Sharma).In the next 90 days, spend the first 90 minutes of your morning to do 1 most important task of the day. Eliminate all the distractions and unimportant nuances that will pull you away from your task. I go social media free until afternoon or something. At least for me, it worked!

11) Learned Shiatsu Self-Massage tutorials. I have always had troubles with headaches and my lower back. I discovered this from (http://www.mychoicemypath.com/pdfs/SELF-MSG.pdf) and thanks to the My Choice My Path, I feel much better now. This is especially important if you could not afford to go to a professional full body massage, like me haha.

*** Thank you and hopefully this will be beneficial to us all *** 

Rumor has it.. But this Time, it is True!

I am always fascinated by science. All my life, I dedicate huge chunk of it to the study of human's brain and behaviors. 

BUT, that was not the reason I started writing this blog.

So, I will not be graduating this Spring 2016.

For those of you that have been bamboozled by this idea, I am really sorry.

No, not really. 

I was supposed to be graduating this semester since I have done all my coursework in Psychology and Criminal Justice.

I have also been admitted to:

Teachers College at Columbia University

Fordham University

Indiana University Bloomington (my current university)

If only I could graduate this semester, I will be wearing fourragre while walking during my commencement.

But, that certainly not going to happen.

People asked me which university I would end up going?

Gosh what would that be?

The answer is, none of the above.

As a Master's student, universities either have a very limited funding or they don't have funding at all.

I received a graduate assistantship from Fordham University of $8000 and that was it.

I didn't get any funding from Indiana University or Teachers College.

Does it hurt me?

Absolutely!

Certainly!

I have been working so hard all this while, but I can't even get funding for my graduate work.

I remember coming out with this plan. Man, it was so courageous and bold of me.

Those schools are my dreams, my happiness, and my passion.

However, this was what actually ended up happening. 

I guess I was not that ambitious after all LOL.

I have been accepted to all but one (University of San Diego) due to some problems with transcript from my current university.

I received a yes letter from Teachers College at Columbia University the same day San Diego dropped my application. That was quite a turn around in my life haha.

Not only that, two weeks later, I received an admission from Fordham University and finally, from 

Indiana University Bloomington.

All of the universities did not have funding for master's students.

I did not know this reality until I actually experienced it myself. I was clearly very depressed and sad.

In dealing with financial problems, my productivity went down abruptly. 

I could not focus on anything at all.

Too much distractions, ugghhhh!

I tried to examine the problem and performed self-interrogation to ask what was wrong with me.

But guess what, it was not that easy.

Wanna know what else I did?

1. Emailed my scholarship multiple times and realized they couldn't help either.

2. Went to the Office of International Services and there was nothing they can do either.

3. Pleaded and begged for scholarships/assistantships/financial aid and none was available, partly because I am an international student.

It is funny that I have so many thoughts in my mind that warrant my attention. 

Due to so much of it, I decided to write down all of them so I won't forget.

The funniest of all is the fact that I have to remind myself how much I should love myself more than anything else in this world.

" I know I'm not the only one

who regrets the things they've done.

Sometimes I just feel it's only me

who can't stand the reflection that they see.

I wish I could live a little more

look up to the sky, not just the floor." (Adele)

The only way out for me is to extend my studies for another year.

Yes, I know, I am crazy and stupid.

But, I want to stay for as long as I could in this country.

I have mission and goals, so nobody can stop me from pursuing what I want.

I am taking the longest way to get to an end, but that matter not to me. 

Owwhhh I forgot to mention, I will be applying for PhD programs in the Fall of 2016.

Why?

PhD programs have more funding and support. Hopefully I can be part of the wonderfulness.

I realized I am taking lots of risks here by electing to do this, but this is the only constructive way to go about it.

I can't go back to Malaysia because there is nothing for me there, besides my family and friends. 

No company would hire me with just a Bachelor's degree in Psychology. Hmmm.

Well I guess, by the end of it, everything will be alright.

I am still nervous and scared about the decision that I have made. But, not until you have started the moves that you will see the results.

I am proud of myself -- rarely have I ever said that.

Another way to remain stable, mentally, is to doodle or to express your creativity.

This was inspired by my late brother's (may he rest in peace) drawing.

It keeps me grounded all the time.

Best of all, I know I would never lose his love and care for me.

That is all I have for everyone. 

Thank you so much for being so concern about my well-being all this while, 

I really appreciate it.

I pray that God will give you all the best things in the world according to His knowledge.

Sorry for all my friends and family that have been informed that I will be reuniting with you all this summer, but unfortunately, I can't.

I still have unfinished business here in the US

and I will keep pushing.

AND remember, keep pursuing and fighting for your goals.

You are the master of your soul!

Saying I'm Proud of Myself

I feel like a free man, away from commitments and difficulties (of course, temporarily). It has been a long time since I felt that way. I just completed my third exam in two days, which was my Development of Brain and Behavior second test. Man, I have to be honest that I don't think I have been challenged that much in my life before.

The irony of that exam was under the implication that some questions were super specific and difficult to deal with, while some questions were super easy to a point that I had to dumb down my understanding to a more generic perspective. It was a real weird challenge, given by an interesting professor. All this while, I convinced myself that if I could manage to answer a really tricky question, I would be able to answer the easier ones. However, that exam proved me wrong completely.

I would like to draw a parallel between my exam situation with our day-to-day life. Up to this point, I think I have achieved a lot of things that some of my peers have not achieved. I am saying this, of course, with zero sentiment of bragging or pride. I am merely stating my gratitude for what God has given me so far. I have been pushing myself so hard to dream and to attain my dreams. I always believe that if we dare enough to dream, then there should not be anything to stop us from getting there. It is a matter of bravery and persistence. I never once want to stop doing what I am doing with my life; living in a foreign country, getting good grades, enjoying my freedom, and many more. But, sometimes I forget how hard I have to work to get here. It was not an easy journey and it will never be an easy one.

Today, I learned something far more important: appreciating my own body, my own happiness, my own health and well-being, and my psychological functioning. To get where I am at right now require sacrifice and heartache. I have to let go of some of my temporary happiness to go out with friends, watching a movie or two, and picking the option of completing my homework rather than working out.

I am pretty good at prioritizing my commitments. I know what should come first and what shall be left out - if necessary. Based on my own self-reflection, I realized that my future cannot really wait for me to take actions later, rather I have to do it now or say goodbye to my bright future. Of course, there is not a guarantee that I will have a wonderful and free-of-suffering kind of life, but I better be prepared. Anything under the sun is possible, with or without our consciousness.

Anyway, after I got done with one of the most difficult exams in my life, I came home and de-stress. Having this whole apartment by myself is a great time to just be lazy and away from responsibility. Temporary, obviously, but I think that would be enough for me. I am not a huge fan of sitting around and doing nothing either. I love keeping my schedule busy and being in the mode of ready-to-go. But tonight, it is my night. Tonight, I will stay home, be lazy, and silence my phone, for real.

I am a strong believer that in order for us to get what we want, we really need to work super hard, sometimes double what we are doing. Yes, nothing comes easy in this world, unless we are ready to kiss goodbye to all our goals. We all are working so hard in college or at work to achieve what we desire. No matter what our goals are, just don't forget that we are humans and our bodies need rest too. Now, pat your shoulders and say, "I'm proud of you [insert your name]." No matter how hard you plan to work for the rest of your life, don't forget to give yourself some credits, We all need that once in a while to maintain our sanity. Trust me, it works!

News that Really Open My Eyes

When I first touched my feet in the United States, I knew that I would be exposed to so many different kinds of challenges. People would be asking about my religion, about my perspectives on any particular topics, and why I choose to believe what I am believing. I am clueless, nervous, terrified. Would I be able to carry those burdens on my shoulder? Am I going to stand up, tall and confident, and let people know about my take on any given topics.

It is almost 2 years since that happened, but it is always an issue for me. I become super self-conscious and self-aware about whatever I do. I am not sure this agitation and irritability stemmed from the fact that I haven't proved enough who I am, clearly. To be honest, I think I am failing.

Today, the first thing in the morning, I woke up with a surprise news on the death of the respectable religious leader and politician, Tuan Guru Nik Abdul Aziz. I was speechless, sad, complacent, and relief at the same time. That mixed feelings have a legitimate root. I realized that due to so many challenges that he faced before, maybe it is time for him to rest and to pass. But, at the same time, losing him in as a Muslim's leader is not as easy to process for me. He was very much respectable and loved by all people, including his opponents.

How are we going to face the world right now? Everyone who is religious and walking his religion in his daily life has been invited by Allah to meet Him, leaving us here. I am not trying to be fanatic or relying on Nik Aziz, but his passing is just indescribable. It made me remember the fact that toward the end of the world, Allah will invite the most pious amongst us first and let the sinful or terrible ones to suffer the destruction of the world. MashaAllah.

Not only that news triggered my attention, but also the shooting of the three Muslim college students in North Carolina caught my attention almost instantaneously. They were good human beings, trying their best to get the best education in such a prestigious school, and helping out with the surrounding community. And what they got were the bullets penetrating underneath their skins? Until now I still can't process this in my mind. It keeps me thinking whether my soul is actually as important as it is said in the law.

As a Criminal Justice student who has some kinds of exposure toward law and constitution, I would be hoping that the convict who performed such an inhumane act would be punished severely, regardless of who he or she is. Yes, freedom of speech is fine, freedom of press is fine, freedom of religion is fine (only if the religion is not Islam). What is happening to the world now? Have we lost our mercy and love for mankind? They were harmless college students who happen to be Muslims. Why are we, as a nation, discriminating against them? I still believe that all of us deserve to be treated like human and should not be discriminated just because of what we choose to believe.

Despite of all the Constitutional elements that we have been mocked with, there are still flaws everywhere. It seems to me like you would be protected and shielded if you're not Muslim. I hope I was wrong, but the practice by itself proves I'm right.

Maybe this is a reminder from Allah that I should wake up and do more substantial stuffs with my life. I shall not anymore let myself doing stupid things that might tarnish people's perspective on Muslim. I shall not cross my leg and do nothing when my brothers and sisters are being discriminated and denied their rights. I shall not be lazy anymore and let the flow overpower me, when I'm letting myself to drown in it. That's on my side of the story, what would you guys do?

My Excitement, Joy, and Happiness

It has been a while since I last posted anything on here. I really don't have mood and honestly speaking, time. Running here and there, juggling with different hats sometimes could be very overwhelming yet fulfilling. I have never pictured my undergraduate experiences could be so intriguing as what I have now. Alhamdulillah praise be to Allah. In this entry, I would like to share some of my random hunch on stuffs, including my latest excitement: research assistant position.

**** Crimson CORPS ****

Somewhat vague on the organization name, Crimson CORPS is one of the counseling training programs under Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) in Indiana University. Its main objective is to train and to supervise selected undergraduate candidates who are interested in peer-to-peer supports and outreaching programs on campus. Members are supervised and monitored by accredited counselor who earned Master's degree or PhD in either Counseling Psychology or Social Work. It is one of its own, and aimed to bridge the relationship between counselors and students because research shown that  students would prefer to talk to their peers than to counselors when they happened to have problems. What we are trying to do is to be a good listener, not a problem solver, to our friends and colleagues.

Crimson CORPS organizes numerous training programs and outreach programs throughout the year. One of the most prominent outreach programs is Depression Screening test at which we, the members, would give out a set of questionnaires to students on campus and kindly ask them to rate different prompts based on what they feel at that moment. Surprisingly, there are so many people whom we observed to be relax and laid back reported to be very depressed or mildly depressed. Some of them even checked suicidal thoughts, too! That's something serious and shocking to me, knowing the fact there are so many people out there who is suffering from depression. Another component of that screening is to eliminate stigmatized thoughts about mental health issues like depression, hypertension, ADHD, bipolar disorder, and many more. We told the respondents that our program is not just for them, but also their friends and colleagues who are suffering from mental healths issues and we asked the respondents to refer them to CAPS.

Crimson CORPS also serves as a safe based for me to express my concerns and thoughts about different things. In a smaller group (task team), we can practice our skills and discuss areas at which we could improve, without the fear of being judge. Well I guess great minds think alike! Many people wonder if Crimson CORPS is only open for Psychology major, and the answer for that would be nope. We open the application every year for almost everybody who is interested in this issue of mental health awareness. In fact, we even have Economics, Biochemistry, and Mathematics majors joining us. So, join us people!!! Lols.

**** Random ****

Well, life is hard and sometimes you might drown into the ocean of problems and difficulties. You can't tell when I was having tough moments of my life, especially living in a foreign country as USA, man it is difficult. But if we're strong enough, we'll endure and succeed. Alhamdulillah, ever since I first arrived in the States, I have been branching out and learned to adapt with the natives. It helps me a lot, especially when you need someone to proofread your papers! The only advice is to not fear talking to people and asking for help if you need them. I was born with certain features - no shy (when it comes to learning) and talkative - that help me endure with those difficulties. Barrier of language is unavoidable since English isn't my first language, but that is not the reason to not triumph. Just a little advice, sometimes you have to give up your shyness and fear of being judged in order to get something bigger: knowledge. Know that it's okay to make mistakes because from them you learned your lessons, inshaAllah.

**** Research Assistant Position ****

Alhamdulillah, Allah gave me this opportunity to be working in the Socially Situated Cognition Lab under the supervision of Dr. Eliot Smith, soon. I have been accepted quite unexpectedly because Dr. Smith's lab is very competitive in the field of Social Psychology and frankly speaking, I was overwhelmingly anxious and nervous. His research interests focus on how people observe themselves (in-group) and others (out-group), accessing them positively and negatively, and behave differently toward them. This gauged my attention the first time I perused the website. Thinking about my long-term goal which is to be in Counseling Psychology program in the United States, I know that this research would better equip me with the knowledge of cross-cultural ideas and personal biases. I know people don't take Psychology seriously, but I truly value the field of studies because the significance that it would impact people with.

So, talking about the position, I'd start working as a volunteer this semester (November 10) helping one of the graduate students, Steven Sherrin on his newly launched project on how our bodies give information to people to act in a positive or negative ways. I will be instructing participants, running the experiments, coding data, and doing some write up. And next Spring and Fall, I will be doing all that with course credits counted into my graduation. InshaAllah I can do it. I would just want to take this opportunity to encourage people out there to grab any potential opportunities that lie beneath you. Don't be afraid to do something different because that would help to increase your merits in your future career. I hope this entry could open our eyes in viewing the world differently and to not be afraid of the what you have. Plus, the world needs you in many shapes, ways, and forms.


Love muah muah,
azzahrawifazuan

My Greatest Fear NOW!!!!

***** Disclaimer *****

This is purely came from the bottom part of my heart and I am not aware of the grammatical errors. So, enjoy reading without any judgement hehehehe. Thanks

***** Begin *****

Gosshh, it has been ages since my last blog entry and how I miss getting on this keyboard again. It's 0221, Sunday, and I can't close my eyes and can't even sleep even at this point of time. Well, I have been thinking about my future lately in an inordinate counts that is sometimes I know surely, insurmountable.

I have perused all sorts of possible labs that might open their research assistant positions, I googled all tough and great professors that I could learn something significant than trashes, and even what I could do after completing my Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Criminal Justice. It's not that easy to make decision when it involves and pertaining to your own future, and whatever you choose to do today would elicit some kinds of comeuppances in the future. That's terribly hard to handle.

When I was super confused and completely exhausted, I made decision to post my confusion on Facebook and see how people around me would respond. And as expected, many people perceived me as someone who should get involved in either Social Psychology or Counseling Psychology. And from their responses, I can assure you that their assessments are based on my traits of being outgoing and highly sociable. 

This is another conflict because people always put me under credential of being "people person" which is totally true that they forget another side of me that I am a kind of person who can also do math and science as good as many of them do. BUT just because of my outgoing and extroverted traits have overshadowed the other traits making them steer towards that argument (well I'm totally fine with it though).

Why am I so stressed out with all this yet? Many people asked about me being overwhelmingly worried about what the future holds for my careers, spouse, and financial standing. And my only answer to that is simply since we never know what the future holds for us, that's why we have to constantly worrying and keep on planning. If we failed to plan, we are planning to fail. Planning will keep your routine more easily schedule and easily obtain if there's anything planned beforehand. Simple??

One of the things that bothers me right now is about which lab should I apply to become the research assistant. In Indiana University Bloomington itself, we have 45 different kinds of labs that range from developmental, social, cognitive, neuroscience, molecular biology, cognitive, and cognitive neuroscience. They offer different kinds of training depending on which grounding you are planning to go for graduate school.

In my thought right now, I've told myself that maybe I should give myself a try on Social Psychology and Counseling Psychology. In that case, I have narrowed down from 45 to only 10 labs now. I'm thinking of applying to all of them and see how it goes from there. Hopefully out of many, I can at least get admitted to one or two labs because I am in total desperation for more researches and and case studies. I know I sound crazy to start worrying about all this. But tracking back at some of the undergraduate research assistants, I was amused when I realize that most of them started their lab experience while they were in Freshman and Sophomore standing. As for me, I just realize the importance after I got to my Junior year. Ugghh isn't that causing pain in the ass?

And another thing that I am so intense is about the GRE test and GRE subject tests. Well to put in a simple way, GRE is the ticket for me to get admitted to any Master's and PhD programs in the United States. And talking about those exams, they are far more complicated than SAT and TOEFL, at least for me who isn't born in English speaking background, it is still complicated.

Knowing the fact that I'll be taking the exam before my Senior year summer, I have to gear up from now. I'm planning on buying some exercise books and start memorizing all those crazy gigantic alien words (vocabulary). I know I will do better if I prepare early, but the fear of failing is always there. I would love to be accepted into excellent universities that provide great academic programs, hence they would definitely raise the bar and expecting me to score high marks for all the papers.

I hate procrastinating and I hate doing nothing. From now on, I know that no one can change my destiny except for myself with the wills of God. I will do my best and leave the rest to Him to decide. Please pray for our success inshaAllah. Wallahualam.