Goodbye Summer, it's Good Seeing You

*** It is going to be a slightly long post ***

Before spring session ended, I convinced myself that I will not be taking any summer class. After all this while, my body deserved to have a three-month vacation -- most of the time, trying to detox from the long, daunting, and exhausting year. I also listed a few small and big projects that I would like to accomplish or at least started doing. Here are some insights that I have gained throughout this summer:

1. As hard as it may sound, make a conscious effort to define yourself by what you believe in, not by what people think you should do. Last year, I put on weight.. like a lot. People made snarky remarks on how fatter I got, even in just a few months. I came into summer with 189lbs on the scale and I'm on 174lbs at this moment. Not a whole lot, but for people who love eating like myself, it is something. When people started calling me names, it made me stronger. It fuels my passion to losing weight. But, I want to be healthier, fitter, and lighter not because I owed anyone a payback, but because I want to lead a disease free lifestyle.

2. Sleep and wake up early. These past few weeks, I have adopted a 5:30-morning rituals. I wake up, drink a glass of orange juice, meditate for 10-15 minutes, workout for 50-60 minutes, do some self-affirmation exercises, shower, breakfast, and work. For the first 90 minutes of my day, I would focus on the single most important task for the day. Social media and emails are not being opened until 12pm. This was a recommendation made by a best-selling author, Robin Sharma. You all should check out his youtube video in which I have linked the website https://www.youtube.com/user/sharmaleadership.

3. When in doubt, start journaling. Put down your thoughts and ideas on paper so that you would not forget them. I also write whenever there is something that is hard to process, like when I received a couple of rejection letters or when my uncle was admitted to the hospital due to stroke. There are a lot of research out there that provide support to journaling as part of a therapeutic exercise.

4. Self-experimentation is part of your learning process. People asked me sometimes, how can anyone be successful? After I gave them some ideas, I always encouraged them to be vulnerable and be exploratory. Find your own X-factor and things that are working for you. For instance, separating a meal on the table before I even started eating would help me from overeating (portion control). Moreover, pushing myself five minutes more than usual while running helps me get through a longer trail. But again, what might work for me might not work for you. Start searching!

5. When you are stressed out about something, start communing with nature. When was the last time you walked in the woods or on the beach? Every time I felt a little uneasy, I go for a long walk in nature. While walking, I will ponder on the beauty of the nature and how grateful I am to have them around. Not only that, sometimes, I also purposefully force myself to think about things that I am grateful for (eg. my health, my family, my friends, my relationships, my intellectual abilities, the sunrise and sunset).

*** Things I have done for this summer ***

1) Converted my entire college notes (since the first semester at Indiana University Bloomington) into PDF files. Now, all of those files can be accessed through my iBooks app on all my Apple products.

2) Created a study corner that helps form "tight bubble of total focus" (Robin Sharma). I have a desk and a stool, a cork board, and a minimal decorations. This is where I study, work, getting inspiration, and being creative.

3) Reconnected with long lost friends, instructors, supervisors, and family members. If they were in town, I scheduled a coffee date or a regular meeting with them so that we all could catch up. I could not be happier learning about what was new for them and it made me smile when I heard about their successes. Just remember, as we grow older, money is not going to be as important anymore. Longevity is supported through beautifully crafted, mindfully maintained relationships. 

4) Cleaned, recycled, and donated unused clothes. I have decided that clothes that were not being regularly worn for a couple of months should go away. This in itself helped with decluttering my entire apartment. Surprisingly, I still have a full closet after the elimination was made (that was just weird).

5) Started monitoring money flow on a monthly basis. I was never a great person when it comes to money. However, keeping a close attention to where my money goes definitely helps.

6) Cleaned and reorganized my apartment, especially the kitchen area. This was a strenuous task, but I am glad that it worked out fine at the end. Having a clean and organized place promote higher productivity because we are in control of where things are. 

7) Studied and learned for the upcoming GRE test. I am so nervous about retaking it again this year, but I intend to get a better score. 

8) Practiced my handwriting and tried to improve. I realized after a few weeks of not writing, my strokes on certain letters were not as good as they used to be. So, I invested on office supplies and started writing again. Somehow, it is still not perfect, but I am happy to make progress. 

9) Wrote different versions of resume and cover letter. I applied for a lot of things: awards, scholarships, jobs, tutoring positions, and lab works. Most of them did not turn out the way I had planned, but that was alright. The more I did it, the better I have become at writing application materials. [Good] practice makes perfect!

10) 90-90-1 rule (thanks to Robin Sharma).In the next 90 days, spend the first 90 minutes of your morning to do 1 most important task of the day. Eliminate all the distractions and unimportant nuances that will pull you away from your task. I go social media free until afternoon or something. At least for me, it worked!

11) Learned Shiatsu Self-Massage tutorials. I have always had troubles with headaches and my lower back. I discovered this from (http://www.mychoicemypath.com/pdfs/SELF-MSG.pdf) and thanks to the My Choice My Path, I feel much better now. This is especially important if you could not afford to go to a professional full body massage, like me haha.

*** Thank you and hopefully this will be beneficial to us all *** 

Rumor has it.. But this Time, it is True!

I am always fascinated by science. All my life, I dedicate huge chunk of it to the study of human's brain and behaviors. 

BUT, that was not the reason I started writing this blog.

So, I will not be graduating this Spring 2016.

For those of you that have been bamboozled by this idea, I am really sorry.

No, not really. 

I was supposed to be graduating this semester since I have done all my coursework in Psychology and Criminal Justice.

I have also been admitted to:

Teachers College at Columbia University

Fordham University

Indiana University Bloomington (my current university)

If only I could graduate this semester, I will be wearing fourragre while walking during my commencement.

But, that certainly not going to happen.

People asked me which university I would end up going?

Gosh what would that be?

The answer is, none of the above.

As a Master's student, universities either have a very limited funding or they don't have funding at all.

I received a graduate assistantship from Fordham University of $8000 and that was it.

I didn't get any funding from Indiana University or Teachers College.

Does it hurt me?

Absolutely!

Certainly!

I have been working so hard all this while, but I can't even get funding for my graduate work.

I remember coming out with this plan. Man, it was so courageous and bold of me.

Those schools are my dreams, my happiness, and my passion.

However, this was what actually ended up happening. 

I guess I was not that ambitious after all LOL.

I have been accepted to all but one (University of San Diego) due to some problems with transcript from my current university.

I received a yes letter from Teachers College at Columbia University the same day San Diego dropped my application. That was quite a turn around in my life haha.

Not only that, two weeks later, I received an admission from Fordham University and finally, from 

Indiana University Bloomington.

All of the universities did not have funding for master's students.

I did not know this reality until I actually experienced it myself. I was clearly very depressed and sad.

In dealing with financial problems, my productivity went down abruptly. 

I could not focus on anything at all.

Too much distractions, ugghhhh!

I tried to examine the problem and performed self-interrogation to ask what was wrong with me.

But guess what, it was not that easy.

Wanna know what else I did?

1. Emailed my scholarship multiple times and realized they couldn't help either.

2. Went to the Office of International Services and there was nothing they can do either.

3. Pleaded and begged for scholarships/assistantships/financial aid and none was available, partly because I am an international student.

It is funny that I have so many thoughts in my mind that warrant my attention. 

Due to so much of it, I decided to write down all of them so I won't forget.

The funniest of all is the fact that I have to remind myself how much I should love myself more than anything else in this world.

" I know I'm not the only one

who regrets the things they've done.

Sometimes I just feel it's only me

who can't stand the reflection that they see.

I wish I could live a little more

look up to the sky, not just the floor." (Adele)

The only way out for me is to extend my studies for another year.

Yes, I know, I am crazy and stupid.

But, I want to stay for as long as I could in this country.

I have mission and goals, so nobody can stop me from pursuing what I want.

I am taking the longest way to get to an end, but that matter not to me. 

Owwhhh I forgot to mention, I will be applying for PhD programs in the Fall of 2016.

Why?

PhD programs have more funding and support. Hopefully I can be part of the wonderfulness.

I realized I am taking lots of risks here by electing to do this, but this is the only constructive way to go about it.

I can't go back to Malaysia because there is nothing for me there, besides my family and friends. 

No company would hire me with just a Bachelor's degree in Psychology. Hmmm.

Well I guess, by the end of it, everything will be alright.

I am still nervous and scared about the decision that I have made. But, not until you have started the moves that you will see the results.

I am proud of myself -- rarely have I ever said that.

Another way to remain stable, mentally, is to doodle or to express your creativity.

This was inspired by my late brother's (may he rest in peace) drawing.

It keeps me grounded all the time.

Best of all, I know I would never lose his love and care for me.

That is all I have for everyone. 

Thank you so much for being so concern about my well-being all this while, 

I really appreciate it.

I pray that God will give you all the best things in the world according to His knowledge.

Sorry for all my friends and family that have been informed that I will be reuniting with you all this summer, but unfortunately, I can't.

I still have unfinished business here in the US

and I will keep pushing.

AND remember, keep pursuing and fighting for your goals.

You are the master of your soul!

Saying I'm Proud of Myself

I feel like a free man, away from commitments and difficulties (of course, temporarily). It has been a long time since I felt that way. I just completed my third exam in two days, which was my Development of Brain and Behavior second test. Man, I have to be honest that I don't think I have been challenged that much in my life before.

The irony of that exam was under the implication that some questions were super specific and difficult to deal with, while some questions were super easy to a point that I had to dumb down my understanding to a more generic perspective. It was a real weird challenge, given by an interesting professor. All this while, I convinced myself that if I could manage to answer a really tricky question, I would be able to answer the easier ones. However, that exam proved me wrong completely.

I would like to draw a parallel between my exam situation with our day-to-day life. Up to this point, I think I have achieved a lot of things that some of my peers have not achieved. I am saying this, of course, with zero sentiment of bragging or pride. I am merely stating my gratitude for what God has given me so far. I have been pushing myself so hard to dream and to attain my dreams. I always believe that if we dare enough to dream, then there should not be anything to stop us from getting there. It is a matter of bravery and persistence. I never once want to stop doing what I am doing with my life; living in a foreign country, getting good grades, enjoying my freedom, and many more. But, sometimes I forget how hard I have to work to get here. It was not an easy journey and it will never be an easy one.

Today, I learned something far more important: appreciating my own body, my own happiness, my own health and well-being, and my psychological functioning. To get where I am at right now require sacrifice and heartache. I have to let go of some of my temporary happiness to go out with friends, watching a movie or two, and picking the option of completing my homework rather than working out.

I am pretty good at prioritizing my commitments. I know what should come first and what shall be left out - if necessary. Based on my own self-reflection, I realized that my future cannot really wait for me to take actions later, rather I have to do it now or say goodbye to my bright future. Of course, there is not a guarantee that I will have a wonderful and free-of-suffering kind of life, but I better be prepared. Anything under the sun is possible, with or without our consciousness.

Anyway, after I got done with one of the most difficult exams in my life, I came home and de-stress. Having this whole apartment by myself is a great time to just be lazy and away from responsibility. Temporary, obviously, but I think that would be enough for me. I am not a huge fan of sitting around and doing nothing either. I love keeping my schedule busy and being in the mode of ready-to-go. But tonight, it is my night. Tonight, I will stay home, be lazy, and silence my phone, for real.

I am a strong believer that in order for us to get what we want, we really need to work super hard, sometimes double what we are doing. Yes, nothing comes easy in this world, unless we are ready to kiss goodbye to all our goals. We all are working so hard in college or at work to achieve what we desire. No matter what our goals are, just don't forget that we are humans and our bodies need rest too. Now, pat your shoulders and say, "I'm proud of you [insert your name]." No matter how hard you plan to work for the rest of your life, don't forget to give yourself some credits, We all need that once in a while to maintain our sanity. Trust me, it works!