I am always fascinated by science. All my life, I dedicate huge chunk of it to the study of human's brain and behaviors.
BUT, that was not the reason I started writing this blog.
So, I will not be graduating this Spring 2016.
For those of you that have been bamboozled by this idea, I am really sorry.
No, not really.
I was supposed to be graduating this semester since I have done all my coursework in Psychology and Criminal Justice.
I have also been admitted to:
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| Teachers College at Columbia University |
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| Fordham University |
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| Indiana University Bloomington (my current university) |
If only I could graduate this semester, I will be wearing fourragre while walking during my commencement.
But, that certainly not going to happen.
People asked me which university I would end up going?
Gosh what would that be?
The answer is, none of the above.
As a Master's student, universities either have a very limited funding or they don't have funding at all.
I received a graduate assistantship from Fordham University of $8000 and that was it.
I didn't get any funding from Indiana University or Teachers College.
Does it hurt me?
Absolutely!
Certainly!
I have been working so hard all this while, but I can't even get funding for my graduate work.
I remember coming out with this plan. Man, it was so courageous and bold of me.
Those schools are my dreams, my happiness, and my passion.
However, this was what actually ended up happening.
I guess I was not that ambitious after all LOL.
I have been accepted to all but one (University of San Diego) due to some problems with transcript from my current university.
I received a yes letter from Teachers College at Columbia University the same day San Diego dropped my application. That was quite a turn around in my life haha.
Not only that, two weeks later, I received an admission from Fordham University and finally, from
Indiana University Bloomington.
All of the universities did not have funding for master's students.
I did not know this reality until I actually experienced it myself. I was clearly very depressed and sad.
In dealing with financial problems, my productivity went down abruptly.
I could not focus on anything at all.
Too much distractions, ugghhhh!
I tried to examine the problem and performed self-interrogation to ask what was wrong with me.
But guess what, it was not that easy.
Wanna know what else I did?
1. Emailed my scholarship multiple times and realized they couldn't help either.
2. Went to the Office of International Services and there was nothing they can do either.
3. Pleaded and begged for scholarships/assistantships/financial aid and none was available, partly because I am an international student.
It is funny that I have so many thoughts in my mind that warrant my attention.
Due to so much of it, I decided to write down all of them so I won't forget.
The funniest of all is the fact that I have to remind myself how much I should love myself more than anything else in this world.
" I know I'm not the only one
who regrets the things they've done.
Sometimes I just feel it's only me
who can't stand the reflection that they see.
I wish I could live a little more
look up to the sky, not just the floor." (Adele)
The only way out for me is to extend my studies for another year.
Yes, I know, I am crazy and stupid.
But, I want to stay for as long as I could in this country.
I have mission and goals, so nobody can stop me from pursuing what I want.
I am taking the longest way to get to an end, but that matter not to me.
Owwhhh I forgot to mention, I will be applying for PhD programs in the Fall of 2016.
Why?
PhD programs have more funding and support. Hopefully I can be part of the wonderfulness.
I realized I am taking lots of risks here by electing to do this, but this is the only constructive way to go about it.
I can't go back to Malaysia because there is nothing for me there, besides my family and friends.
No company would hire me with just a Bachelor's degree in Psychology. Hmmm.
Well I guess, by the end of it, everything will be alright.
I am still nervous and scared about the decision that I have made. But, not until you have started the moves that you will see the results.
I am proud of myself -- rarely have I ever said that.
Another way to remain stable, mentally, is to doodle or to express your creativity.
This was inspired by my late brother's (may he rest in peace) drawing.
It keeps me grounded all the time.
Best of all, I know I would never lose his love and care for me.
That is all I have for everyone.
Thank you so much for being so concern about my well-being all this while,
I really appreciate it.
I pray that God will give you all the best things in the world according to His knowledge.
Sorry for all my friends and family that have been informed that I will be reuniting with you all this summer, but unfortunately, I can't.
I still have unfinished business here in the US
and I will keep pushing.
AND remember, keep pursuing and fighting for your goals.
You are the master of your soul!
